Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in Deni Langley's LiveJournal:

Monday, March 3rd, 2003
9:01 am	Wedding Memories... Well who would have believed. Not me. It still hasn't sunk in. I don't know if it ever will. But I'm now happily married. The wife of the man that I love more than anything else...including sleeping. I'm now Mrs Denise Rowe. The day seemed to drag for the first hours while we were doing breakfast on the BBQ and then the girls were getting prettied up. Then it was rush, fumble, blur. I felt enclosed and pushed, surrounded by strangers. The heart-rate went up and so did the stress level. The photographer and videographer arrived and proceded to call me Debbie for the rest of the day. Then it was the mad dash out the door and into the most gorgeous limos. We did photographs first at Botanic Golf Gardens in Wanneroo as soon as I layed eyes on Don my nerves disappeared and calm descended. The whole bridal party had photos taken before the girls and Mum went home to catch the other Limo and then the boys left to go to the Bridgeleigh. Dad and I waited what seemed like an eternity for the Limo to come back and pick us up and the nerves picked up again. Mostly I think because Dad was so nervous and wouldn't stand still. As it was when the limo came we had to circle the block for 20 mins. We had Champagne in the Limo three glasses calmed me down some while I mentally rehearsed my vows and tried not to cry at the things my Dad was saying. We finally pull into Bridgeleigh and I gather with my hand on Dad's arm and the girls ready to go and "Flying Dreams" plays over the speakers and the tears well up...we're walking. Euphoria. I'm feeling nervous but confident. Standing beside Dad before the Celebrant waiting for my moment of commitment, trying to take in all that was being said in the ceremony, trying not to grin like an idiot. The moment is upon us and the words come to my lips with little effort. I mean them with all my heart... "Today I confirm to you, Don, the vows my heart has already made. To be your friend, your companion and your partner. To be the rock that you can stand on, The pillar that you can lean on, And the wings that allow you to fly. And today, as our lives are joined together, I promise that while we travel the path of life We shall face every obstacle and ever clearing Side by side, hand in hand, From this day forward and for the rest of our lives." And it is done. All that fear over. It seems almost too easy, surely there's an obstacle course behind the beautiful gardens that I must overcome? Suddenly I am more than I was. A wife. Nothing has changed physically, but emotionally, psychologically, it's changed. We're back in the same house with the same people. The only things we have to remind us of the change is the rings, the certificate, the pressent and of course the hang-overs. I've gained a family in this endeavour whose support has been wonderful and uplifting. In closing I'd like to thank everyone who was there for us physically or spritiually, while we took "the plunge" having friends and family there just made the day that much more memorable and special. Thank you! Signing off... Mrs Rowe. Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: Secret of NIMH (Flying Dreams) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 4th, 2002
7:04 pm	Ahhh Brother. I think if we're all honest with ourselves we'll admit that the first consideration when we think about anything is always ourselves, without fail. Then depending on how alturistic (You introduced me to that work Fluffy) you are you'll consider the consequences to other people compared to yourself and act according to your personality. Some people have the ability to do this quickly, they'll think before they act even if they're unaware of the process it is so deeply ingrained in the irsub-concious that they'll avoid confronation for fear of disturbing someone, or they'll choose a different meal, or TV show, or music...you get the drift. I've come up against a brick wall in a certain member of my future family who doesn't have or doesn't use the ability to think ahead (or at all) about other people. His one and only thought (at least as far as I can fathom) is how it will affect him. This is causing a bit of stress at home at the moment and is why I've decided to put it down here. It goes a bit like this... *cough* When I first moved in with my Fiance Don and his brother Nathan I was a bit hesitant about Nathan, after all if you didn't say Hello to him when you saw him he would ignore you as if you weren't there. But I perserved and a friendship blossomed and I was happy that we had managed to build a bridge. I really didn't want to move into a house I felt unwelcome in. Things have been going really well except that every now and again Nathan would do something or say something that would make me feel small, like a child. Hypocritical things. Things about tidying up or turning off a light when you leave a room, putting a new toilet roll on the holder. Stupid things but it's always the ways it's said that makes the difference. At those times I felt adrift, alone in a strangers house, with no place on my own to escape. It's been 2 years now of course and as I've lived here it's become my house too in a way, at least enough so that when these things happened I'd shrug them off attend to my behaviour if it needed attending too and go about doing my thing. Recently however I've hit that brick wall big time. This winter I was sick for more than a month with a recurring Flu and chest infection and was stationed more than often on the couch in front of the fire. That's when it started up. Nathan would turn the fire off whenever he came into the room. Even though I'm on the couch and obviously using it. He'd turn the TV off when he left the room even though I'm still in the room. After all the whinging and moaning over said toilet roll he hasn't put one on in months when he uses it. He doesn't do anything I ask him too although whenever it's the other way round I will always do what he requests when it's something sensible. I came home from Mum's on Tuesday at 5:30pm after doing my exercises and was checking something on the computer before I got changed, the curtains had been closed the night before and hadn't been opened so I turned the light on to see what I was doing. Nathan came home about 3 mins after I had sat down and came into the sitting room and exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" when I asked what was wrong he just pointed at the clock and wouldn't answer me stormed over to the light switch and slammed it off and then left the room...all the while ignoring me while I'm trying to figure out what's going on. I snapped (As soon as I figured out what he was "Jesus Christ"ing about) It had occured to me over the past couple of months this sort of things has been going on that in effect I had been providing all the basics of Nathan off my back without a mummer. He hasn't bought the toilet rolls he complains about, the washing powder he uses when he sorts out the washing so that he only does his own and nobody elses. The toothpaste, the bread and milk, the sugar, coffee, milo that he uses. I've bought food for and fed his cat since I moved in and payed for any medical treatment she needs. But in the end he's cursing at me over the cost of the prehaps 30 mins of electricity I would have "unnecessarily" used before the sun went down. I don't think I've been that angry for a long time. I was so angry I did all the house work for the week in 15 mins. I haven't addressed him since Tuesday and don't intend to. I don't care what's happened to him in his life or how he was or wasn't brought up you have no right what so ever to do what he does. The last straw in the end was that I came home from doing the food shopping with Don yesterday at 5:45 and he had turned the light on while he was at the computer. I don't understand how you can be so hypocritcal and thoughtless when it comes to other people. One last whinge abouth Nathan before I go... Don organised and paid for the set up of ADSL at home a couple of weeks ago. He was so excited about getting it and he asked Nathan to get on Tribes to see if it ran any better. Nathan played for a couple of minutes and his only comment was "It's pretty sluggish, it's a bit better" Here's Don excited about getting this new toy and quite obviously asking Nathan to be excited with him and he couldn't even offer a word of pleasure. The most annoying thing about this is that although he didn't have anything good to say about the ADSL connection he's been playing Tribes pretty much every day since we got the new connection without a hint that he has any intention of offering to pay a portion of the cost. I don't want to live with this person anymore, he makes me angry just with the thought of him. He is totally incapable of a thought that isn't centered around his precious self. Even if it means answering the phone when he's playing Tribes or watching TV. I like Nathan when he acts like a human being, it's a shame he doesn't do it more often. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: Whitesnake - Here I Go Again On My Own (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 1st, 2002
9:04 am	There you go Fluffy. SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test Your match with ant8472 you are 85% similar you are 59% complementary How Compatible are You and Your Friends? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
9:03 am	Things are Changing. Well it's been a very long time since I last typed. Not unusual it matches the kind of thing I do with my normal diary. Don is employed by iiNet and has been for 3 days. Already things have changed. It feels like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I made a bit of an idiot of myself when I read the SMS he had sent me to let me know he'd gotten the job. I was just finishing lunch when I checked my mobile, when I read the message "I hope this makes your day go faster...I got the job at iiNet" I jumped up and down waving my arms in the air and promptly burst into tears. The poor people in the Staff room were a bit surprised but had been kept up to date and so understood. It's amazing really. I didn't realise how much pressure I had been under, it wasn't until the floodgates were opened and the tears started falling that I realised that I had been feeling so weighed down. What it has done for our relationship is also only beginning to become obvious. Once again we're able to plan and dream with some sense of reality. Thoughts of moving out are again coming to the fore front. Dreams of becoming debt free are looking less like dreams. For a long time our future has seemed a long way off something misty and undefined because until Don had a job we couldn't make concrete plans. Finally our lives seem to moving again, moving forward! The Wedding plans are coming along nicely, we've booked the venue. We're getting married at The Bridgeleigh in Wanneroo. Garden Wedding and then the reception is in the Hall next to the gardens. It really is lovely. I have very mixed feelings. Certainly not about getting married but rather about all the fuss and bother and money that is going into this one day which in the end is but one day in our lives together. I am both excited and anxious about it. After all this is a girls big day, a chance to get all dressed up and admired and danced and toasted. (In both senses of the word! :P) There is also the thought of all that money. Money which could be much better off somewhere else rather than in this very short lived enterprise. It is, however, a bit late to elope so I shall have to put my anxiety aside and enjoy myself. I'm also feeling really clucky. Thoughts of little Don's and Deni's are filling my head. It's something we talk about quite often even to throwing around baby names we like but I find myself wanting instead of just thinking about it. I know this isn't going to happen for a couple of years yet. I want to be able to give a child a stress free environment as much as possible and money goes a long way to achieving that. We'll see. Thanks for listening to my thoughts! Deni Current Mood: energetic Current Music: Van Morrison - Moondance (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 25th, 2001
5:48 pm	Flowers For Grandad We've just sent flowers for my Grandad's funeral which is on Wednesday...I just thought I'd put the message we sent in the card down here. Your love and affection has made us better people Having you in our lives has enriched it before measure. You will be missed, but you will be in our thoughts and our hearts as you watch over us. I hope that very soon I'll be able to write or speak about him without crying and instead smile at the wonderful memories he has left for me. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 20th, 2001
9:25 pm	Passing on... How do you reassure someone when they've lost a loved one when you don't believe in heaven or hell? I had that thought when Chez passed away, I remember thinking almost automatically "Well at least he's gone to a better place." It's hard right now to say I don't believe in that better place. My Grandad passed away last night, it wasn't sudden, we knew on Sunday that he wasn't going to make it. I've cried, for lots of different reasons, but I think as with most people, it's mostly for myself. I'm never going to get to see him again, my beloved and doting Grandad. Never see those big puppy dog eyes asking me to not make him get on the airplane. Never see him trying to sneakily feed my cat cheese so it would sit on his chair. Never see him try to out-manourver my Nan so that he could sun bath even though the doctor told him not to. Never fight over the last jam donut. He's been very much a part of my life, up until 2 years ago, my Grandparents would come and stay in Australia for 6 months every other year. There's a lot of regrets floating around in my head at the moment, the futile one's you know you couldn't fullfil but feel guilty about anyway. But in the end, I sent him get well cards and birthday cards and the last time I spoke to him on the phone I told him that I loved him. God I'm going to miss him, not physically but spiritually, that spot in my heart and mind where he has dwelt for the past 22 years has taken a battering and it hurts so much. I'm so glad that I had Don by my side through this, if he's reading this...Thank you, baby. You may not have known what to say but the hugs were wonderful. I'll always think of you Grandad, when I get on an airplane, when I eat a peanut, when I walk past the donut shop. I miss you already, and I hope you do find a better place. -Deni Current Mood: sad Current Music: s & Lionel Richie - Endless love (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 13th, 2001
8:29 pm	Mixed Feelings. Have you ever had that burning feeling of restlessness. No matter what you do it doesn't go away. I'm feeling that now. Writing usually eases it so here I am. It's not like I don't have a hundred things I could type about, it's trying to choose which ones are affecting me most right now. Well my Mum is back from England, my Grandfather is still very sick. They're going to perform an operation to scrape out his lungs because they're full of gunk. If they can get rid of that, then hopefully he'll recover enough so they can operate on his cancer. A friend of my Mum's, her names Lynn, her little boy, Mason, was his by a car on Monday. Good news there, though at first it looked very grim. He walked in front of the car doing 80kmph. He shattered his cheek-bone, ripped his lung and damaged his liver as well as breaking his thigh. His brain swelled up so they couldn't tell if he was brain damaged but now that that's gone down it looks promising and they're going to let him return to consciousness tomorrow and see if he comes round ok. Fingers are crossed. It's not really surprising that it happened, but he's just so little. He's 8 years old but he's tiny and skinny and even I could pick him up and pretend to pile-drive him to make him laugh. I hope it all works out. I was at home waiting for Don to get back from Karate on Tuesday, I got on the net when he came home to show him something when I got the bombardment about whether I'd heard yet. Turned the TV on a watched in disbelief for 2 hours as news came in. We had a prayer/vigil at work today for the victims and their families. It's disturbing, not only at the obvious joy on the people's faces in Israel, not only that someone would do such a thing as kill thousands of people. I think the thing that disturbs me most is the blood-thirsty talk that I hear around me at work. People not ever directly affected by the devastation that's occurred in America. People who say that we should just go and kill them all...all the people you see in the video footage. Can't they see that that would not only induce more violence but in the end these people are innocent...yes they hate America but they didn't kill all those people. A war is only going to achieve the death of thousands of more innocent people. They violence that has already occurred in Australia to Muslim and Islamic people is sickening and so very frustrating. Yes you're may be angry, upset and frustrated with inaction and political dancing, but how can you justify attacking more innocent people. I just feel like grabbing these people and shaking them until they see sense. I find it disgusting that people would dance and clap with joy that thousands of people are dead but that doesn't mean we should commit the same horrible acts because of it. Last but definitely not least is this...Don's cat, Chester, passed away recently, the anguish I felt at that time was horrible, he was a friend and companion, he greeted us in the morning when we got home and always came to see me when I got home. He was loving and smart and just the thought that I wont see him when I turn around is enough to make me break down in tears now even after three weeks without him. I just want to say this before I depart for the night. I love you Chez, Piddy misses you dreadfully as we all do. I hope it's better where you are darlin'. *mwah* -Deni Current Mood: distressed Current Music: ss & Lionel Richie - Endless love (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 10th, 2001
6:35 pm	News. I saw my Mum today...not in itself an usual thing, but she brought news of my Grandfather (Her Father) who resides in England, Hampshire, to be exact. The news isn't good. Every time I hear about him it isn't good recently. You see he was diagnosed with Cancer of the Bowel about 3 months ago, they were going to operate to remove the Cancer which they were optimistic about until they found another lump on his lung. They botched four attempts to get a biopsy on the lump and when they did manage to get a good sample my grandparents received mixed news. One doctor would tell them that it wasn't Cancer while their specialist said that it was. Not a pretty picture in the end. He's currently in hospital and will stay there as he has fluid in his lungs and stomach that they're going to remove, and as soon as that is done he's going to have that operation on his bowel. I guess the reason I'm writing now is because, although I feel anxious, I also feel completely disconnected from everything that is happening. It's very difficult to imagine my Grandad so terribly sick when, when I last saw him, he was if not fit as a fiddle certainly reasonably healthy for his age. How am I supposed to mentally and emotionally prepare for anything if, in my heart, I can't imagine him sick? In my mind I know he's very sick and that because of all the botch ups at the hospital he's very weak with little stamina. But in my heart he's my Grandad, he's survived 5 heart attacks...two of which on planes in mid-air. He travels in good company though he managed to have a heart attack on a plane that was carrying home India's best heart surgeons and specialists. Truth is I'm scared. My Grandmother on my Dad's side died three days before my 18th b'day and 2 months before my family went back to England to visit. I had the same problem then, I hadn't seen her in so long and although I knew she was sick and had been for the past 15 years I just couldn't imagine her gone. When we found out she'd passed away it really hit home that I'd never be seeing her again, that my last good bye to her when I left England in 1992 was my last good bye. I know it sounds stupid but I just want to stamp my feet and say No. I don't want to loose him too. The image that sticks in my mind with my Grandfather is his great fear of flying. How when we'd take him to the airport and he'd look at me with huge brown eyes filled with tears so terrified of what was to come but already planning on doing it again to come and see us next year. I'm going to miss him so much...I shouldn't even be talking about this you know because I'm sure if my Grandmother has anything to say he'll make it thought this. Still, I miss them both even now. I wish that I could introduce Don to them, I know they'd love him and I know that they're both very happy that I'm happy. I just wish with all my heart that my Grandad is still around to bounce a little Don or Denise on his knee. I love you Grandad and my heart and hopes are with you always. Current Mood: melancholy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 5th, 2001
6:45 pm	Emotional...*Sniffle* I have to admit that I'm a very emotional individual, although I do have a brain and use it most of the time, emotions are the first thing said brain recognises as a stimulus. To put it in a more legible form...I think most people would see a flower and think...that's pretty. I would see a flower and my heart would move, I'd feel happy, *then* I'd think gosh that flower's pretty. I've tried to explain this to my partner Don. When I tell him I love him (and I do often) it's because my heart has reacted...it's gotten warm and it's aching because of the level of emotion I feel towards him...if I don't tell him I love him I'm going to explode. Of course it's not all light and fluff. It works the other way around as well. Being around people who are angry or in pain (emotionally or physically) is enough to set me crying or to put me in a melancholy or angry mood myself. It has it's benefits the emotional sensitivity but as you can imagine to be influenced so easily also has it's negative side. Such as watching Opera (Damn her!) I avoid her like the plague whenever I'm in public because I always end up crying watching what's happening...It happened in Centrelink once...I shall never forget. It limits how much I can help people as well...after all you're not going to be a lot of help to people if, when they start crying, you start crying as well. I'd imagine they feel guilty and think they then must comfort me. I think in the end what it comes down to is your ability to place yourself in their situation...to imagine with a huge amount of detail all the things you'd be thinking, and the things you'd be feeling and knowing that they're going through it and imagining that how can you do anything but feel as if you're them. The reason I started on the emotion topic though is because it's "that time of the month" and right now emotions are running rampant...so very heightened and out of control that they make no sense...can you imagine how that could make you feel if emotions were what you're life revolved around at the most basic level. It's upheaval! :P I'm so lucky that I have Don, he's very thoughtful and ready with hugs and kisses and a general understanding that I'm not very understanding at this time. *Heart warms up and aches* Gosh I love him :P Good night People...*grumbles* Blasted Moon. Current Mood: moody Current Music: ehouse - Hanging By A Moment (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001
10:57 pm	The Beginning or The Middle? This is a beginning of sorts and yet a continuation in a much more real sense as I've been keeping a journal for a long time now. As in real life I fear that the only times I'll get around to writing is when something momentous has happened or when I feel restless with the need to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard in this case), but we'll see. The main reason I've actually joined the LiveJournal family was so I could comment on friends journal entries with my own name, but now that I have a journal of my own I feel a little warm spot in my heart for it already. My other half has one of these things and it's been enlightening to read what he posts. I have to say that, for both of us really, it's easier to express how we feel in the written form rather than the spoken. Personally I wish we had a backspace button in real life...imagine the problems we could solve, it would be learning without the inevitable heart ache! Sign me up :P Fare Thee Well Travellers, I hope to catch you attention again one day soon. Current Mood: relaxed (Comment on this)